A Case Study

I recently watched a DVD on business success by Eben Pagan, and something he said reminded me of a situation with a friend.  To paraphrase the quote…

“The two big hurdles in business involve emotional estimation, and only seeking validation.”

Powerful stuff.  So let’s unpack this a bit, and then I’ll share a story my good friend Mark (and NLP Trainer) was kind enough to share with me.

Emotional Estimation

Emotional estimation is what we do when we think of a future outcome, and assign emotional values to it.  Here’s an example of a common one…

“When I have X, then I’ll be happy.”

Of course, in the example above, “X” can stand for lots of things.  A new home, new relationship, or other change to our status, condition or lifestyle.  It can also involve satisfying a desire.

So what’s the problem?

Have you ever heard the expression:

“be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true.”

Well, the basis of that expression, in my opinion, is a recognition of how emotional estimation often fails us humans.  We are, simply put, really bad at predicting how we will REALLY FEEL once we get our desired “X,” whatever that may be.

What about “only seeking validation?”

Seeking Validation

The case study involving my good friend Mark will hopefully shed some light on this one.

As an NLP Master Practitioner in private practice in New Haven, Mark will get a number of calls each month from folks wanting to clear up some issues.  Generally they find him online, through his business contacts, and advertising.

Inevitably they ask about his fees.

And that’s when the first issue arises.

Call it sticker shock.  Whatever.  Anyway, some people can’t get over the fees, and will ask why he doesn’t “just help out folks and not charge so much.”  And being a good guy, every now and then he’ll decide to work with someone pro bono, or in trade.

And that’s a potential issue as well.  How come?  Well…

Just a few weeks ago he worked with someone near my town, and they had a great session.  In return for the session the woman agreed to place Mark’s ad in her weekly newsletter for one year.

Seems like a great deal, right?

Anyway, she was able to clear up lots of stuff in an afternoon.  And the normal scheduled follow up call took place a week later.  As Mark told me, the woman interrupted the call at least 4 times to handle other issues in her office.  Calls.  Email.  Whatever.

And it didn’t stop there.

She then mentioned how she wasn’t feeling any better, and wasn’t sure their work together resulted in any positive change.  They agreed to part ways, and Mark wasn’t sure if he’d get the advertising in exchange for his lost afternoon.

So how did this all go wrong?

Well, in my opinion, because she didn’t pay his going rate, right up front there was a built in failure mechanism.  It goes something like this…

The work, being perceived as free, was not seen as valuable.  The lack of attention in the follow up call, and the claim that it didn’t work, justifies for her the decision not to pay his fee.

It’s sort of like saying “wow, I’m glad I didn’t pay for this, because it just didn’t work for me.”  It’s a built in mechanism for discounting the progress made on the previous session, which, in her own opinion that day, resulted in noticeable progress and relief.

Now, I’m not claiming to read minds here (a big “no no” in NLP).

What I am suggesting is that when we seek validation, we tend to block out huge segments of data to support the answer that we want all along. It’s like the person who asks the opinions of dozens of people until he or she finds the one person to agree with them, and says “aha, I’m right after all.”

As we all recognize, it just doesn’t work that way.

So in Mark’s case, it just seemed to me that this woman’s inability (or lack of desire) to pay for their session together could have sown the seeds for it “not working out” for her.

In not wanting to feel “guilty” and in order to justify the choice not to pay (not to mention having received his services without “paying him back” with free advertising yet), their session together seemed doomed from the start.

Earlier we discussed briefly the presuppositions of NLP.  Well, one of those presuppositions, and to my mind the most meaningful one, is this…

YOU are in charge of your mind, and therefore your results.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem that way.  And sometimes it does’t feel that way.  But it is true.  You CAN take charge and make the changes you want in life.

NLP shows you how.